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8th April 2008
wake me when it's june 5th
it's hard to not do the things that have kept you alive for so long. it's hard to switch addictions and i thought it was impossible to silence the mind. knowing that my actions are oh so much more than mine alone makes me want to do better. i can ignore this chatter, let it pass even, yet i wish i could just be what i want to be. i want to not doubt, not fear, and not ever give in. i had a thought one time, of time travel and parallel universes when i was up at the summit of a hill. i believed at that moment i could travel to a time when i was younger and not so corrupted. yet, to do this i had to take the leap of faith, i had to believe that when i jumped i would not find death, i would simply find an earlier time. i looked out there where the highway met the azure which met the shades of gold. i stared for minutes, if not more, but could not gather up the faith to trust in what i knew. i've had recurring dreams of past lovers with asian eyes and caucasian ideals. i haven't found love in so long, i almost wonder if i could even act like a human being. i come on too strong or not at all. i don't trust my gut enough. i have an awesome plastic surgeon. i am great at so many things. i am a bad friend. oh livejournal, how you always save me when i feel like smashing my face through a wall.
20th September 2007
what i do
i ruin friendships. my own that is. :
everyone puts forth the effort, i realize this. i understand it's a two way street and there has to be give and take, but i just don't give. i don't, i don't, i don't. sometimes i miss people dearly, people who i haven't spoken to in weeks, months, years; but that doesn't change my ways. i'm so fucking secretive and i don't know how to be any other way. no one knows me and i've made it that way. i have amazing dreams, goals, aspirations; i just don't let anyone know about them.
i know i've made people feel stupid or unimportant and it's unfair to them. it's not your fault i'm a degenerate with multiple screws loose. it's not your fault that i have no idea how to love anyone in any sort of normal way. and it definitely isn't your fault that every time you start to know me i close up and just disappear.
i don't know if i'll ever change my ways, maybe i've just bumped my head one too many times to understand what it is to be human. i really don't know. but i do know that if you've ever known me and i've ever made you feel less than worthwhile, then i'm sorry. i just want you to know that it isn't you, it's always been me.
28th January 2007
I always feel like I have so many things to say and almost decide to do something about it but the fact is there are so few people I actually want to hear it. Today I thought about regrets and mistakes and being on a different line than the one on which I currently find myself. I saw my future this morning, and I liked it. A parallel line at worst. It all made me think maybe my future would be oh so grim if i had taken an alternate route to get here. Everything is hard, but I usually make it harder; this fact is not a bad thing. :
I am, how should I put this, a very shitty friend at times. I don't call, I don't write, then you'll get woken up out of the blue by the phone ringing with a voice you barely remember asking you to bail them out of jail. That hasn't actually happened.
More and more recently i've decided to stop sitting back and waiting for all the things I want to fall into my lap, I now actually make a point to go out and get it. I think that has been my biggest problem over the course of my entire life. It's really kind of mind blowing (to me) to see how much you can really achieve if you put your all into something... anything even. I always expected things to just stay at a baseline even if I never tended to them, that somehow you won't lose those gains if you just leave them where they are. That is apparently not the case: your body atrophies, your mind deteriorates, your friends vanish, and your goals slip further and further away.
This all being said, for all those situations in the past that I've fucked up or I fucked you over, I'll say it one last time then never again, I'm sorry. Where to start, oh where to start.
Staar- you were the worst girlfriend in the history of mankind, but I might have been the most pathetic piece of crap during our stretch. Now (or at least as of my last interaction) you're a fat southern slut working at pizza hut. Perhaps my fault, all you needed was to be put in your place every once and a while (or even daily) something I never had the balls to do.
Eponine- you treated me poorly after the first two months, but I believe it was only because I refused to take the reins of the relationship. You wanted a man, I was a boy, and a very childish one at that. I came across some of the things you wrote me or made for me earlier. It made me sad to think that we could have had something really amazing if I could have ever made a decision. Maybe with a better head on my shoulders I could have led you away from all the ill that tormented your mind.
Valley- not much to say on you, because there were many like you and I never let you get where you wanted with me. All you wanted was some kind of response, a response that I refused to ever give you. However, you were the straw that broke this camel's back; and for that I must give you an infinite amount of thanks.
Pearl- maybe someday we'll figure out what the hell we want from each other. Maybe someday we'll grab that fucking knife and light it until it hurts to hold the handle and cut through this tension that stabs at our loins. We're due for another conversation in like six months, maybe by then we can either shut it down for good, or change the course we've gone to this point.
Sandhya- our friendship has been a trip (share a laugh with me here at my clever pun). I can honestly say that I would not have survived at umass without you, darling. I know we don't see each other like we used to because we're so far apart in regard to where we are in life (you're married, like wtf man) and just physically I can't walk to you anymore like I used to. I guess we're no longer the same druggies we once were, but god can damn me to hell if I don't love you for the rest of my life.
Cassie- you treated me better than anyone ever did. You made me feel alive and happy. I taught you to feel, to love, to believe that you don't have to keep everything inside. Then I dumped you right before your prom. This is the one move I've made in life that I'll never get over. Obviously I don't love you and you don't love me now, but who is to say if that would be the situation if I hadn't been such a stupid, selfish asshole. I took a lot from you. I fucked over your friendships by changing you. You and Amber were close, SO fucking close, and I loved Amber to death as well, but as you and I grew closer, you and Amber grew further apart. I remember you being somewhat down as you sensed it all coming apart but felt you'd be okay because you had others and you had me. If I was going to leave you, which I might have already known by then was in the near future, I should have done it with time for you to save that relationship. Wow, just wow. The more I think about it, the more I believe that you owe me a swift kick in the balls, should our paths ever cross again. The time I spent in Waterford, CT with you and all your awesome friends filled me with some of the best memories and best laughs I'll ever have. I still have the image of Brian Brennan driving down the street in his piece of shit car, sliding all over the road as I waited half naked in a blizzard, standing in a foot of snow. I never read all of that book you made me until about six months ago, it kind of blew me away. I know we've talked a few times and I've said all this since I ripped your heart out of your chest and your mother called me to threaten me with a harpoon, should I not return it; well I didn't return it, and I still count my blessings that she never hunted me down like the beast(bastard) I was. Despite that, though, this is for me, to once and for all burn all I've known.
This is the fire, this is where it starts. Crumpled up notes and letters are the kindling, books of love are the logs. Girls have always stolen my mind and my heart, there are guys who I should apologize to, you probably know who you are, but we'll talk again, I know this because I know myself. When it happens, I'll buy you a beer, or a double of SoCo on the rocks and we'll know it's all good. But I can't keep fucking around.
This is the end, this is the beginning.
Soon guys, soon but not too soon, none of you will have to look too far to find me.
9th September 2006
take me to your leader
when your brain melts and everything becomes so clear and hazy. the words others speak have no meaning yet the words echo in your mind like your footsteps in that empty ballroom. you walk for miles, perhaps in a circle, perhaps in an elaborate shape for which there is no name. people pass, hours, days pass. time has either stopped or jumped too far ahead for it to make sense. crazy pills? i've tried a few of those, turned out i was part of the control group. placebo: ineffective, yet effective. people behave so strangely to you. you are not. the ice has stopped melting, touch it. no longer existing in this world. sometimes you wonder why that which you seek barely seems tangible. where are those beautiful aliens? if i spoke the whole truth, would you cry? laugh? believe it? it's hard to be a vault all the time, but the alternative isn't much better. i'll give you the code, just give me a sign. five coins given out, almost six. one taken back, feel bad now but it doesn't grow on trees. perhaps a tree in a past life, completely devoted, simple. who are we? always assuming we should be able to attain that which we desire? open up, shut up. either way is the same. we all say nothing, but you take it literally. you are one part. at least eight others, maybe more. the idiot, the jock, the pussy, the pimp, the mentally deficient, the cultured, the gifted, the confident, then you. sometimes control shifts, which we can't always control. but you...you. you held the reins far too long, destroying parts of us all. :
what are we? i have no idea. but human seems further and further away from the truth.
23rd August 2006
in the end
we all have to do what we want to do and say 'fuck you' to everyone else.
15th July 2006
in the 100 degree heat
today i was driving back from the gym and when i was getting on the highway i saw a middle aged man walking up the on-ramp carrying two pizzas.
4th July 2006
Dream I had last night
I'm back at the golf course, finishing out my last week...the week I never actually finished. The day seems typical minus a lot of fucked up things that seem to make perfect sense at the time. After the day is over, I give the two rookies advice on how to have safer sex with their genital herpes, I recommend valtrex. :
I forget to punch out, I don't notice this until I'm home, I call my brother who works there (who doesn't really work there) he says it's all locked up, but tries to break in anyway. For some reason I bike there on a bike meant for a twelve year old. While en route, I receive a call from Colorado, an asian no doubt. She asks how to bury a body. I ask why one would need such knowledge. Sadly, she killed her lover during intercourse. I give her the knowledge she seeks and I receive a telegram while still heading to work. A sonnet depicting the love she wish she could have for me, alas, she believes I am a robot. It may be the truth, how would I know?
Eventually I'm back at work, I try breaking in, successfully. The time clock is gone, it has been moved to a van my boss has, but doesn't really have. I break into the van, there are no cards; my boss is there. He tells me we can fix it tomorrow. He leaves I start to walk away. An old friend appears, maybe two.
Suddenly I have a sniper rifle. I'm looking down at the shop, John Lennon appears. Someone tells me it's my civil duty to do what needs to be done. I am perplexed, for sure, yet I think I know what is to be done. My thoughts are read by a nearby youth, he nods and smiles saying, "This is how it's always been done." I think of Contact and Jodie Foster. I shoot, I hear cheers and moans. My watch has no hands. I don't have a watch. Police show up almost instantly, I flee to the nearby living room in the woods. Very casual, yet contemporary. I like it there. Fall asleep, wake up, whatever it is that happens when you're already asleep.
Jail, each instant filled with an attempt on my life. I laugh aloud. The guards are angered, quickly come to beat me. The blows don't hurt. Perplexed, again. A dream! Awoken before such knowledge could be used.
7th April 2006
today during my shower i found myself having a conversation with my feet.
11th February 2006
i was thinking about it today. very rationally, mind you. i realized i was probably the strangest person i know.
31st January 2006
i am officially the last person in the world to get a cell phone. :
if you be desiring that number, just ask. but not here.
25th January 2006
out of fucking control.
17th December 2005
note to self: drunken battles on ice are rarely a good idea.
18th November 2005
goodbye green friend, how i love thee so. :
i'm giving up smoking...completely...well, until i can afford a vaporizer.
sandhya, make BROWNIES for your party so i don't have to cheat. i'll pay.
15th November 2005
absinthe lined streets
last night, for a short time, i felt as if i was slowly losing my mind and my grip on reality. :
then i thought about it rationally: what's the point of having such a mind if we aren't prone to lose it once and again?
27th October 2005
today i was running and it was going decent and all, then my lungs disagreed with the pace i was going. so i slowed and let my brain roam free like i usually do, lots of things came to mind but one of them stood out: i need to cut down on the ganj. :
14th October 2005
this is the last winter i want to spend in massachusetts.
9th October 2005
anyone else ever get that feeling they're being watched? :
i think i'm getting it right now.
3rd October 2005
i can't move my left arm past a point without experiencing pain. it really sucks, the doctor thinks it's something with some tendon or something, i don't really know. today i'm just down, i think it's the whole not being able to move my arm, it throws of my routine (yoga). i also feel like a bum and i feel somewhat empty inside. i'm sure it's all fleeting, but regardless is bothersome. :
sometimes when i turn off all the lights then put on kid a, i sit on the floor and close my eyes. then it all washes over me, i feel like i'm tripping.
i noticed today how some aspects of being high have become integrated into my sober life: things just seem more awe-inspiring, brighter, more alive. i don't know, maybe it's just the flashbacks.
i hate thinking about the past because it makes me wonder how different everything could be if i had simply made different choices. maybe different isn't what i want, but there are things i wish i could have figured out without the pain (emotional or physical) involved. sometimes i ask myself "how the fuck am i still alive?" all signs say i shouldn't be. near drowning early on in life, two serious suicide attempts, two bouts with alcohol poisoning (one of which the doctors told my parents to expect the worst with my blood alcohol level being .38) and two severe car crashes (one of which i came out completely untouched). despite it all, i'm still here. reason? i have no idea at all. many haven't been nearly so lucky. i doubt many people play with their life so stupidly like i have and live to tell about it.
crazy they tell me. crazy. i've never felt crazy, my thoughts are the thoughts i think, they are rational and sincere. i have never come to a conclusion that didn't seem completely sane to me.
i imagined i'd be happy as a playa, but i think i wish i had a girlfriend again. god help me for having that thought.
maybe a nice cute yoga girl who happens to be into tantric sex.
i really don't think that's too much to ask.
but then again, what do i know.
eyes closed, is that whisper you?
eyes open, pulse quickening, fearing what i might see
they close again, the truth, the answer, the reason
eyes open, god? or am i dreaming.
reality is what you make of it.
spiders all over.
dreams, dreams, imagination
on repeat. shift.
gone, thank god
the day ends. we part
you leave. forever.
once a part, now apart.
love, oh love, i will never understand.
i am the bridge between reality and fiction
i am a fucking maniac
23rd September 2005
i was thinking about it due to a dream i had last night. fucking dreams, they always fuck with my emotions. :
i don't want to get into the dream or anything, but let's just say it made me think about all the people who have come and gone through my life over the past few years. and though there aren't many that i wish were still in my life, the few that i do miss, i miss terribly. the silly part is, i'll probably never let them know, which is dumb but oh well. maybe i will. there were just some people whose active part in one's life seemed to heighten such an existance.
abc, i miss all three.
11th September 2005
the reason i talk of winter is because it was 40 degrees outside this morning...
winter comes and with it feelings die. hope fades, despair prevails. not this winter. fuck you frosty the snowman, don't come round here no more. :
sometimes i wonder how i got to this point in my life. the point where i'm at the top of my list, but also the point where i have little control over my desires. i've been trying to cut off all my addictions: drugs, sex, gambling... at least i cut out gambling.
no one really thinks or cares about you, this whole thing is just a game of getting off, whether through sex, pot, or through one's perverse obsession with the weather.
i can't wait till i can legally buy alcohol, because when such a time occurs, i'm buying a gun. i have a feeling that will be the answer to all my problems.
maybe max is right.
maybe i WILL die first.
8th September 2005
yesterday i slept for most of the evening and night and i'm pretty sure i had sex dreams involving all of you. :
because that would be wrong.
31st August 2005
a spider just crawled on my leg and i almost had a fucking heart attack.
21st August 2005
you know me, i love the crazies.
18th August 2005
: hey sandhya, let's hang out call me after 1030. jerk